Paper Round

Paper round has never been one to invest £50 wisely, but a cat's second-hand coffee beans do seem a particularly bad deal.

The Guardian reported that the Peter Jones department store in Chelsea was offering an espresso made from beans scoffed by Indonesian civets. Only after they have passed through the moggies' musky intestines are they gathered up. Profits from the brown nectar will go to Macmillan Cancer Support.

Marco Zacharia, head of the John Lewis catering department, said: "For those who truly love coffee, this is the opportunity to undergo a remarkable experience."

We can guess what a certain Nuneaton macaw would make of that claim. According to The Times, foul-beaked Barney enraged bosses at the Warwickshire Wildlife Sanctuary by teaching his favourite Anglo-Saxon salutations to two of his feathered friends.

The sanctuary's owner - who goes by the suitably off-colour name of Geoff Grewcock - said: "They just sit there swearing at each other now. It sounds like a builders' yard."

In 2005 Barney was put in solitary confinement after he told the local mayor to "f*** off" before starting on two policemen and a vicar.

Such choice phrases might also have been heard in the offices of Plymouth disabled charity Scoot- A-Long after The Daily Mirror superimposed Lewis Hamilton's head on one of its photographs to illustrate a column by Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond.

Hammond was mocking the threat by Rugby police to clamp down on speeding disabled scooterists. He wrote: "The idea of being run down by an out-of-control granny at eight miles an hour does me more injury from laughing than the crash would."

But a spokesman said the charity was thinking of sueing. He said: "The photo has breached our copyright and the man whose body it is is very upset."

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