Start at the bottom: Frustration for Neil Start, who finds Anka has been netted

Monday: Goldfish Action Group is in theory a democratic charity, so all staff vote on key decisions such as use of volunteers. Overwhelming no. But acting chairman Jerome still invites next-door neighbour in "to lend a hand". Evidently Minnie-Phyllis - yes, that's how it's spelt - is rich, a key donor and dedicated to goldfish, but "needs to feel part of GAG team to loosen purse strings".

As most junior 'no' voter, I get her dumped on me to 'help'. Vent frustration by asking her to clean all office telephone receivers. She looks horrified and disappears for half an hour. Presume in loo but then returns with her Filipino cleaner in tow to do the honours. Clare, head of policy and office union rep, steps in and asks M-P's cleaner to fly off on her feather duster. Then tackles Jerome on (a) flagrant disregard for democracy (b) exploitation of poor and (c) casual lack of interest in key health and safety issue - Which? survey says dirty telephone receivers joint number one source of flu germs, alongside crumpled fivers. Net result - strike called. Perfect chance to slip off and meet Anka, newly returned Latvian receptionist, ex-girlfriend and mother-to-be of what may be my child.

Wednesday: Impasse on all fronts. Clare wants Jerome dismissed after he speaks approvingly of David Cameron at Acas meeting. Anka refusing to have DNA test and suggesting instead we continue relationship as if baby not happening. Refuses to talk about David, GAG chairman and love rival, his intentions, his whereabouts and what went on in Riga when he visited her at New Year.

Friday: Strike over. Jerome has disappeared to Irish holiday home made of recycled salmon droppings. Volunteers banned from office. M-P's cleaner appointed new health and safety officer. Telephones given full makeover by Aggie and Kim. And tanned David back at helm. Adopts a conciliatory tone at first staff meeting. To heal wounds, he suggests GAG party - a chance, he adds, belatedly to celebrate his recent wedding to Anka.

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