Monday: Not a father - yet. Still in hospital recovering from violent assault by David, chairman of Goldfish Action Group. Visiting heavily pregnant Anka, ex-lover and now Mrs David, who faked going into labour at my bedside in effort to stop me pressing charges against her husband.
Mainly cross because her scene ended a visit from Keira Knightley, potential celebrity patron for GAG and now my regular brow-mopper.
Took first steps today and doctors say I will be released on Friday.
Ward being mothballed next week because of NHS funding crisis. Offered bed in local Bupa hospital but can't afford to pay.
Tuesday: Police come to explain David is not channeling secret loans to Tories via GAG account. Charity Commission has cleared him after investigation.
Money being paid from David's own account to Frank from finance to keep quiet a murky secret from David's past - he used to be a scientist in an animal experimentation lab. Discovered love of goldfish while testing eye shadow on one of them. Out of pity, I decide not to press charges.
Wednesday: David approaches bed nervously. I decide to be magnanimous - bones and bruises will heal, and then I will need a job. And it was an accident. Have to listen to life story and his Damascene conversion to the cause of animal rights. Lots of weeping, mostly his. Shed the odd tear myself that I'm not yet adept enough on zimmer to escape.
Friday: Ambulance collects me and delivers me to Anka and David's. Little choice. I need help and it seemed forward to phone still-absent Keira and ask to move in with her. Vorderman, Neanderthal flatmate, is away on Countdown Fan Club annual holiday to Carol's home town of Rhyl. And there's plenty of GAG work to be catching up with. I'm handling the negative aspects of a saga that made it into a few papers and am fixing new date with Keira. Did I say date?