Start at the bottom: Neil Start is fishing for a glamorous new charity patron

Monday: Appalling pong still haunts the Goldfish Action Group offices as result of trading division's misguided attempt to cultivate sea anemones in our tanks for sale to members.

So I agree too readily to give talk at local GAG gala dinner in Blandford Forum. Tone down tale of woe about goldfish abuse round world as am speaking between artichoke soup and pea risotto. Auction of signed Pam Ayres poem goes well and settle down for special showing of Domino, starring Keira Knightley as goldfish lover - or at least that's what programme says.

"She's that nice young woman from Pride and Prejudice," enthuses the mayor's wife (or partner, as she confides, after one too many glasses of Mateus Rose).

Lots of hankies out as young Keira suffers early trauma of loss of goldfish.

Request for rerun of scene and, while projector reset, much chat as to what kind of tank gravel she was using. Programme fails to mention that Keira character grows into ruthless bounty hunter with sideline in lap dancing. Showing halted when she has man disarmed - literally. Promise to write GAG letter of protest to distributors.

Tuesday: Describe outrage in Blandford Forum to Vorderman, Neanderthal flatmate and Countdown addict. Turns out Keira is second only to Carol in his affections. Wants me to get him in to see her. Could also add much-needed touch of glamour to GAG since Anneka Rice's resignation as patron.

Compose masterpiece letter to send via agent, building from outrage at film to conviction that she must be animal lover really. Request meeting with official GAG delegation - me and Vorderman.

Thursday: No reply yet, so cutting short all phone calls in case block line. Drift into summit with soon-to-absorbed goldfish charity rival, Aglow. Last stumbling block is plan to integrate their office fish tank with ours. Dispute over right filters to use has mediator Terry Waite tearing out beard. Slip out to check voicemail. Result: Keira's agent called to offer initial meeting.

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