Start at the bottom: Neil Start learns the secret of success is to thump the boss

Monday: Planning meeting for gala opening - in aid of the Goldfish Action Group - of the new film Return of Free Willy. Tamasin, PR for film and old pal from college, keen to have "flotilla of fish" on red carpet as stars arrive - Brooklyn Beckham, Rula Lenska and Christopher Biggins all confirmed.

So papier-mache goldfish costumes and orange tights for all staff in the GAG office - and Biggins. Reflect that Anka, Latvian receptionist, ex-lover and mother-to-be of what could be my child, won't fit into one.

But no need - as new wife of self-made millionaire chairman David, she has given up work.

Wednesday: Hard at work preparing report on gala for trustees - which they won't read - when summoned into chairman's office. Try to look mature but run my keys along his bespoke Conran sideboard as follow him into "more private" boardroom. Not sure what to expect - fist fight for the girl, cheque to buy my baby or naked wrestling a la Women in Love.

Should have remembered how dull and PC David is. Tries to give me hug without warning. So tense that I respond by whacking him in the face and then saying sorry. Embarrassed pause. David wipes blood from nose and tells me he wants to let bygones be bygones, hopes we can work together and offers me promotion - on merit, of course. Now marketing manager and on senior management team. First task to pinch bridge of his nose to stem bleeding - should be bonding moment but instead feel cheap.

Friday: First management meeting in David's office. Note scratches on sideboard with sad satisfaction. Muted congratulations. Frank from finance smirks unpleasantly, perhaps because of main item on agenda - spread of Asian Mitten Crab in UK: threat or opportunity for GAG.

Much talk of co-operation with animal welfare lobby. Chip in sourly that they don't seem to want to work with us. David suggests he and I follow this up. What's he on?

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