Start at the bottom: Neil Start negotiates the whales at a red carpet premiere

Monday: Last-minute preparations for film premiere of Return of Free Willy in aid of GAG. Had to veto plans for fish vol-au-vents and Claire, head of policy, banned Mumm champagne on grounds of sexism and discrimination against "happily childless".

Twelve volunteers lined up to wear goldfish suits on red carpet. Christopher Biggins, who has cameo in film - not as whale, his PR confirmed - had to drop out. No costume in his size. Guest list more Abi Titmuss than Dame Judi, but hey ho.

Tuesday: Struggle to concentrate on PowerPoint presentation for post-party bash. Mindful of Anka, ex-receptionist, mother-to-be of what could be my child, and now Mrs Chairman. Mr Chairman away in Kettering at GAG conference on tank cleaning, so invited over. Went determined to show I'm beyond it all. Even made up new girlfriend to make closure easier.

Focused, promoted professional. Then she told me baby mine, but chairman David offers it better future. So much for building career. Beaten already.

Ended up staying and feeding David's fish on way to office.

Wednesday: Next to heavily pregnant Anka in receiving line at premiere.

Hear her joke about there being two whales present more times than I can stand.

Only Lisa Riley failed to get it and thought Anka getting at her. Was about to step in protectively, but David beat me to it. Film crap. David's fundraising speech on behalf of GAG embarrassingly sincere and drowned out by royal protection helicopter as Princess Michael had at last minute agreed to come. Says she's a key target for terrorists. Leave the party early feeling tawdry and impotent.

Thursday: Arrest of Emmerdale star for possession of drugs by royal police at GAG party makes all the tabloids. David insists on staff meeting to discuss collective attitude to drugs before we issue statement. Phones go into meltdown in background while we consider what goldfish would make of coke.

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