MONDAY: Tipped off by Frank from finance that I need to smarten up. Promotion to head of marketing at the Goldfish Action Group means a new suit, he tells me. Can't help thinking of old Dad's Army sketch in which Mainwaring ticks off Wilson for wearing a bowler hat to the bank when as number two he's entitled only to a trilby. Frank would be happy there. Clearly a man who filled his wardrobe with surplus stock from C&A when, unlamented, it left our high streets. Sit at desk feeling subversive.
Plan trip to Vivienne Westwood sale to blow wage increase on new funky uniform.
WEDNESDAY: Moral dilemma. Julie, GAG office cleaner, has been sacked for damaging Conran sideboard in chairman David's office. Should I own up and save her? But would have to explain why I ran my keys along it - as child-like revenge because he stole my girl and my soon-to-be baby.
Ring Vorderman, neanderthal flatmate and Countdown addict, for advice.
He suggests taking axe to sideboard. Clearly been watching too much Colin and Justin's How Not to Decorate on Channel 5.
THURSDAY: Sleepless night trying to decide between principles and personal humiliation. At one in morning, have brainwave. Call Anka, Latvian ex-receptionist, cause of key rage and now pregnant Mrs David. Clearly fated as mobile instantly answered. She's up with Braxton Hicks contractions while David has a midnight dip with his fish to reassure them that the baby won't displace them in his affections. Tempted to point out that he needs sectioning but bite lip. Blush as explain about keys, sideboard and Julie. Anka laughs - patronising or flirting? Promises to sort it.
FRIDAY: Julie disposing of dead fish from GAG tanks and telling me she's reinstated when phone rings. "Neil, didn't I tell you I can work wonders?" Anka sounding seductive. Try to stay cool, but end up agreeing to go over next Monday when David away at GAG fish-care seminar in Kettering. Not a good career move.