Start at the bottom: Neil Start uncovers something fishy in GAG's finances

Monday: Weekend of hopeless dreaming in advance of meeting with Keira Knightley's agent about her becoming patron of Goldfish Action Group after strong goldfish lover theme in her latest film, Domino.

The ascending order of possible outcomes if I land her are: brownie points in office; younger, sexier edge to GAG to replace current image of Thora Hird (yes, I know she's dead); joy of telling ex, Anka, who preferred chairman David as husband and father of my baby, that can't stop to talk because I'm meeting Keira; date with Keira. Vorderman, neanderthal flatmate, Countdown addict and part-time Keira fan, tries to join in enthusiasm, but distracted by current schism in Countdown community over Carol's attempts to tell jokes on revamped show.

Tuesday: New suit, haircut and teeth-whitening fail to register with agent, but date pencilled in for Keira visit to GAG offices when next in London. Send email round colleagues and lap up praise. Skirmish already breaking out over which staff member's child should present her with flowers. Brief email from Anka saying well done. Can sense her gritted teeth.

Friday: Frank from finance on compassionate leave all week after ringing in to report two of his garden fish swallowed by invading albatross. Bite back doubts about whether he's telling truth or just bunking off for another facelift. GAG policy to believe the best. So I'm landed with putting together monthly profit-and-loss statement for charity.

Complicated because chairman is main funder, so lack of clear blue water between his affairs and ours. Chatting to friendly bank manager as try to reconcile figures when she queries £250,000 loan channelled through GAG account by David to nameless third party. Think no more of it until watching evening news about loans-for-peerages scandal. Is David one of secret Tory lenders? Torn between fear for GAG's reputation should it come out, loathing of his attempt to buy advancement and anticipation of Anka's reaction if he is exposed. First step to get to bottom of it.

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