Start at the bottom - Neil Start's night as a gingerhead man is far from golden

Tuesday: Here I was thinking promotion to marketing manager would mean goodbye to the cheap stunts of my days as assistant fundraiser (acting).

But no. Local GAG branch in Godmanchester (GodGAG) planning fundraiser based on The Weakest Link. Local pin-up Norma Major had agreed to play Anne Robinson but had to pull out at last minute. GodGAG - rapidly renamed GoGAG in light of the new laws on insulting religious beliefs - appealed to head office for help. Frank in finance lent me his size 10 stilettos.

No questions asked. Have bought my own ginger wig at insistence of new health and safety officer.

Wednesday: How can such a small town have two memorial halls? Got ready at hotel and just assumed GoGAG membership was butch and taciturn as greeters manhandled me from door straight on to stage.

Bright lights but no GAG posters, no podium, no contestants to abuse and no shouts of "bank". Something very like it, though, when backing track started up and didn't know words to Step Inside Love. Had accidentally come to local prison officers' social evening. They were expecting Cilla Black lookalike - was evidently the ginger wig that fooled them.

Politely declined game of strip poker, but by the time I found the real GoGAG event, Major Palmer had stepped into my empty high heels and given slide show on 1981 tour of goldfish ponds of Japan. Left to collect cheque from donations of £32.75 and head for loos with Mrs Palmer's facial scrub.

Friday: Meant to be writing up strategy to get GAG into mainstream of animal rights charities. How about ditch the fish in favour of something cuddlier? Return to email have drafted to send Anka, ex-lover currently playing happy families with chairman David and what could be my unborn baby. Three variations on outraged, two begging her to come back, one character assassination on David. Is being four inches taller than him enough?

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