Start at the bottom: Spawning of a GAG rival sees negotiator Neil Start sent in

Monday: Weekend of appalling press following coke heist at Goldfish Action Group's D-list charity gala showing of Return of Free Willy.

Might have stayed on inside pages - the miscreant was only in Emmerdale - if GAG had not put out press release supporting legalisation of soft drugs and demanding offender be cleared. Told them it was utter madness, but when chairman David and head of policy Clare unite on principle, chaos follows.

Lots of 'GAGging for it' jokes on the front of red-tops. Anneka Rice manages minor comeback by announcing that she's resigning as our patron in disgust. Thirty-three letters from members following her lead in today's postbag. And, to top it all, at crisis staff meeting David has cheek to suggest that, as head of marketing, I might have handled the media better.

Tuesday: Bad to worse. Ex-head of publications Jerome, last seen heading for retirement bungalow made of recycled salmon droppings in Ireland, has announced setting up new rival to 'discredited' GAG.

Association for Goldfish Lovers and Owners (Aglow) will do everything we do, "but without fog of cannabis smoke", he tells an only just straight-faced Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight. David declined to send a spokesman to reply but detailed me to initiate 'peace talks' with Jerome.

Wednesday: Turns out, during five hours of talks mediated by Terry Waite, that Jerome is pissed off because he only got an MBE for his years at GAG. Demands post of life president and issue of a strict anti-drugs statement if he is to put out the lights on Aglow.

David reluctantly agrees first demand, but Clare harder to persuade on second. Jerome relents only when offered David's seat on new government inquiry into application of European Convention on Human Rights to animals.

Friday: News of latest Pete Doherty drugs heist finally wipes us off front pages. Perhaps we should ask him to replace Anneka as patron.

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